ive gone missing

I'm sitting and staring at an empty document for the billionth time this week, hoping the words flow out of me.

This is not another piece about writing or the lack thereof, but rather the insanity that is yelling at me to get out from the hole that ive fallen in. its about the fear that keeps me down, that incessantly tells me ill never get myself out. 

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My sense of self is gone. She has left me. Well she hasn't left me, i scared her off. I put her in environments that didn’t cater to her because i was scared, stubborn, and seeked outer validation. She used to scream at fear and insanity when they acted up. They were nothing to her. In fact, she used to walk next to them, neither one ever stepping too far or too back than the other. 

Now im alone, searching everywhere for who i once was, at war with everything because my shield is gone. 

I don’t know what war im fighting, but im only winning some battles. I know i cant expect myself to win them all but i don’t even know what im fighting for and its hard to stay motivated. Ive never not wanted to anything, but nothing appeals to me anymore. Not writing, or reading, or painting or being with my friends. What do i have left? 

Grief. For what, im not quite sure. But it seems to be all there, the hopelessness, isolation, dissociation that i cant snap out of. 

Will the day ever come when i wake up and i feel like myself again? 

I know the answer to it, of course i will, but god im so impatient. When will it come? What on earth do i have to do to speed it up? There has to be some sort of spell, guidebook, advice, map anything that brings me back to myself, please. 

I miss writing, i miss reading, i miss being excited about all the ideas and words and projects i had conjured up in my mind. Art has always been a part of me, us. I miss my old self.

Id like to think she is in a field, wandering with a book, feeling completely free from any worldy concerns. Shes not worrying about anyone, theres nothing holding her back, she is light. She has moved on from the days where anxiety plagued her. She has forgiven the ones who didnt recognize her for who she is. 

If anyone sees her, tell her that im waiting for her. 

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unfortunately, i had to keep this piece short to avoid making it too depressive and sorrowful. but if you read it and enjoyed it, thank you. but i hope you don’t relate to it.